Fear and Loathing Everywhere But Las Vegas
by Atalanta Pendragonne
Summary: Crossover Discworld & Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Slash TeatimexNny. Set in the Stolen Time RPfic setting. Nny and Teatime go on a multistate road trip.
1. Chapter 1

They were about an hour outside of Las Vegas when the blood-lust began to take hold. Nny looked over at Teatime, wishing idly that he could drive. Then a wind kicked up and the road was sprayed with spinning, whirling sand, pattering briefly on the wind shield.

"Damn it!" Nny swerved, trying to keep a steady hand on the wheel. The sudden wind briefly seemed as if it were trying to drive them off the road.

This trip was spur-of-the-moment. An idle comment by Teatime about not having seen much of the US apart from the homes (and occasionally offices) of people he'd been hired to kill, and within hours they had acquired the Gator... a windowless green used GMC Savana cargo van. The Gator was the perfect vehicle for Nny and Teatime, even if the mileage it got was shitty. It had already had a grimy curtain hanging between the seats and the cargo area, which held a rather lumpy mattress, and the back was home to a lumpy mattress. The back of the vehicle was plastered with bumper stickers (and Teatime and Nny had added a few of their own):

i "I did it for the lulz"

"When I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails"

"6x6x6 Lumber of the Beast"

"If you are going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair"

"Bondage Is Knot For Everyone"

"God, please deliver me from your followers"

"I Do Whatever My Rice Crispies Tell Me To"

"Remember... Pillage First, Then Burn"

"Don't Believe Everything You Think"

"So Many Freaks, So Few Circuses"

"I'm Already Visualizing the Duct Tape over your mouth"

"WARNING I have precognitive paranoia"

"Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night"

"I've suffered for my art--now it's your turn"

"Cars don't kill people, people kill people"

"My other car is the Millennium Falcon" /i 

and they'd promptly welded shackles and leg-irons to the floor on either side of the mattress (and they were easily concealed, tucked under the edge of the mattress) , and loaded on a groaningly-full toolbox and The trunk. The trunk looked like (and was) a mobile arsenal. They had two sets of steak knives, seventy-five lawn darts, five mandolin slicers, a bottle of sulphuric acid, and a seemingly endless parade of knives, mallets, vegetable peelers, hatchets, and scalpels. Also a jug of lye, a meat grinder, a couple of crossbows, and a chainsaw.

The only thing that worried Nny was the chainsaw. Those things went through a lot of gasoline.

Teatime saw the hitch-hikers before Nny did. He pointed to the couple standing wearily, thumbs out, by the side of the road. A man and a woman, similar in appearance, both wearing jeans and polo shirts and smiling amiably.

"Are they waiting for a stagecoach, Nny?" Teatime sounded, as usual, curious.

"I doubt it. Stagecoaches aren't a here-thing. They want someone to give them a ride." Nny shrugged.

"For money?" Not that money really interested him, apart from as a way of keeping score. Being a freelance hit man was lucrative, after all. They could buy anything they wanted.

"Nah. People do it to be nice and stuff." Nny had never quite understood hitch-hiking himself.

"Well, we're nice, aren't we?" Teatime looked pleased with himself. "We should give them a ride."

Nny rolled his eyes, but pulled over. If it would make Teatime happy...

Nny glared sullenly at the man and woman at the side of the road, but Teatime had leapt out the passenger door as if spring-loaded.

"Hello! I'm Teatime. What are your names?" He opened the rear doors of the Gator to allow them to climb in, watching them intently.

"I'm Emma," Analemma told him, shifting nervously under Teatime's focused gaze. "This is my brother, Parry. We're going to Maine." She wriggled uneasily on to the mattress in the back of the van. A moment later, Leopard joined her.

"Maine?" Teatime skipped back up the length of the van and hopped into his seat. "Is that far?"

Nny coughed slightly. "It's where lobsters come from."

Teatime considered this bit of information. "I think we should go there, then. I'm quite fond of lobster. I should like to see where it comes from."

Leopard scooted forward to the front of the mattress, nudging aside the grimy curtain and peering at them. "Uh... Maine's pretty far away."

"Oh, I don't mind." A brilliant, and somewhat unnerving, Teatime smile. Well, it unnerved Leopard. Nny liked Teatime's smiles. "We're on a Road Trip." He pronounced the words carefully, as if they were in an alien language.

"I'm hungry," Nny said abruptly. As he drove, he started looking for a place to stop and eat. For a few miles this was a fruitless search. Eventually he found a McDonald's, and pulled into the drive-thru. A sackful of cheeseburgers, french fries, a pair of strawberry milkshakes, and a Happy Meal toy (for Teatime), plus a Big Mac for Leopard and a Filet O Fish for Analemma, and they were on the road again.

The radio was playing.

i My heart is like an open highway

Like Frankie said

I did it my way

I just want to live while I'm alive

'Cause it's my life /i 

Nny glared at it; the song annoyed him. Teatime caught the dark look. "Oh dear," he said mildly. "Is something wrong?"

"Put in a CD, would you?"

Nodding, Teatime grabbed one at random.

i While you were sleeping I figured out everything,

I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.

Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.

You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame. /i 

Hearing that, Nny's expression softened a bit, and he smiled at Teatime, glancing back to the rear of the van. The sentimental lyrics made him think, well, sentimental thoughts "You guys know how to drive, right?" He pulled to the side of the road as Analemma and Leopard looked at each other, confused. Before they could react, he dragged Teatime into the back of the van. "In front, both of you. One of you drive. I want us to keep moving."

Leopard blinked, stammering a little. "I don't know which way to..."

"It doesn't matter!" Nny snapped. "I'm sick of driving." He yanked the curtain closed and flopped onto the mattress, pulling Teatime down with him.

"Now, Nny," Teatime chided his husband affectionately. "That wasn't very nice."

"I don't care," Nny replied. "I don't want to be nice. I just want you. Let them drive."

Curling up to Nny, Teatime rested his head on his chest. "This i is /i nice," he allowed.

"It is," Nny agreed, squirming his hand up the back of Teatime's shirt. "I'm glad, now, that you wanted to pick them up. Driving is boring. You're not. And this way we can travel and I can still touch you."

"Touch me, then," Teatime said to him quietly, arching against his hand. The motion of the van was not unpleasant; Teatime rarely traveled in motor vehicles, and it was still something of a novelty. Certainly he'd never done i this /i in one before.

"Your skin feels so nice." Sliding his hand up Teatime's back, Nny scratched lightly over his spine, then traced little circles between his shoulders. "It tastes nice, too," he added, licking Teatime's neck, then nibbling.

"I'm ever so glad you think so. I'd be most disappointed if you didn't." He tilted his head, and sighed at the slightly ticklish feel of Nny's lips on his skin, and the light pinch of his teeth.

"I want more of your skin." He tugged roughly at Teatime's shirt, yanking it over his head, leaving his arms tangled in it. "So nice. So i mine /i ." He kissed Teatime, far more gently than the way he'd handled his shirt.

"Always yours," Teatime agreed. "But I think I want to take my shirt the rest of the way off."

Nny sat back enough to let Teatime remove his shirt; after a moment he began hastily stripping off his own clothes as well. After all, the sooner he had them off the sooner he'd be able to feel Teatime without any cloth in the way. He watched as Teatime undressed.

"I didn't expect you to be quite so eager quite so rapidly," Teatime laughed. "But it's not at all unpleasant. Is it because of driving? Does driving make you want to have sex?"

"No." Lying down again, Nny wrapped his arms around Teatime, not quite as frantically urgent now that he could make that direct contact, flesh to flesh. "Looking at you makes me want to have sex."

"Every time you look at me?" Another laugh. 'That must be very distracting."

"You know what I mean." Nny rolled his eyes slightly.

"Oh!" Teatime sat suddenly bolt upright. " I almost forgot." He reached for the pocket of his discarded trousers and pulled out a pair of pendants, small clear glass bottles with odd, dark shrivelled things inside, on thick leather cords. He put one on, and handed the other one to Nny.

Glancing at the thing with vague suspicion, Nny put it on regardless. "What is th-"

-Can you hear me?- It echoed hollowly in Nny's head, bypassing his ears.

Nny looked up, startled. Teatime was touching a finger to the pendant around his neck, lips unmoving.

-Touch yours, and then i think /i at me.- He'd smiled broadly, seeing how Nny reacted.

At Teatime's instruction, he hesitantly touched the little bottle around his neck. -Like this?-

-Just exactly like that! I made these before we left. I thought we might find them useful.- He was, unsurprisingly, still beaming. He knew they'd work, but it was nice to have confirmation.

-So I just touch it and think at you?- It did seem useful.

-Exactly. It seemed a bit more practical than just...- He trailed off, but Nny knew he meant their empathic link, the link that still overwhelmed him at times.

-So what are those things in the bottle?- Nny flicked the little vial with a fingernail, and the withered scraps rustled inaudibly.

-Bat ears and bat tongue. From the same bat, I mean. We each have an ear and half of the tongue. The spell was quite simple, actually.-

Nny grinned in open admiration. -So it's like a magic walkie-talkie?-

-You're being silly again, I'm afraid, Nny.- Teatime looked vaguely reproachful. -You know I don't know what a walkie-talkie is.-

-It doesn't matter. These are great. Now come here.- Nny opened his arms and smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

Spent and gasping, Nny and Teatime sprawled on the mattress in the cargo area. Experimentally, Nny touched a fingertip to his new pendant. -Can you hear me?-

-Of course I can hear you,- Teatime responded in the same fashion. -I do wish you had more faith in my efforts.-

-It's not that I don't have faith, - Nny hastily explained, -I'm just not used to it. Anyway, why did you want to pick up those two?-

-To pass the time, I suppose.- Teatime shrugged. -Call it a whim. But they've been useful so far, haven't they?-

-I suppose. I'll vivisect them both if either of them looks at you the wrong way, though.- Nny glowered.

-Of course you would. You're very thoughtful that way. I'd do the same, of course, if I didn't care for how they looked at you.- He snuggled against Nny, turning the little plastic toy from McDonald's over and over in his hands. Aloud, he said, "I don't want to spend all our time just driving. We're going to go places and see things, aren't we?"

"Sure. Snake farms, big balls of twine, two-headed pigs, all that good stuff." Nny stretched, yawning widely. "I like watching you see new stuff."

"So you've said," Teatime told him, amused. "What's a snake farm? Do they raise snakes for food?"

"Not food, I don't think. Venom antidotes and stuff." A shrug. Nny liked snakes, but he was a bit unclear on what snake farms were like.

"Oh, i antidotes /i ," Teatime said knowingly. "I studied those in the Guild. The best poisons don't have antidotes."

"I don't know much about poisons," Nny admitted. "They're not much fun. Not interactive enough."

"They aren't, are they?" Teatime agreed. "Not very satisfying." He thought for a moment. "It might be nice to get some snakes, though. In case we'd like to have them bite someone."

"Oh, I've done that a few times!" Nny laughed. "It's fun. Snakes really scare people." He poked his head past the dangling curtain. "Okay, you can pull over now. I'm going to drive again."

Teatime, however, was worn out, and had chosen to nap. Leopard sat next to him on the mattress, reading i Needful Things /i . Analemma sat in the passenger seat, studying Nny with curiosity.

Eventually, he was the one to speak. "If either of you tries to hit on Teatime, you know I'll kill you, right?" He said it with a wide, malevolently glinting grin.

Analemma had no doubt that he was being literal, and suppressed a shudder. "Don't worry," she told him. "Parry and I both like our blondes with bigger tits." She was starting to rethink the idea of pushing for going as far down the road as possible with these two.

"Uh..." Nny blinked, then got it. "Oh. Oh. That will make things easier."

"Hey." Analemma tilted her head. "I don't even know your name. And I'm not sure I can pronounce your... friend's?"

"Husband. And it's pronounced Te-ah-tim-eh. I'm Nny."

She didn't comment on the oddness of the names; after all, she was named after an astronomical phenomenon. It was hard to think of an odder name than Analemma Radiant Cazimi. Or Leopard Puissant Cazimi, really. "So, uh, where are you guys going?"

"Oh, it's just a generic road trip. Seeing the country. Teatime's a... freelance consultant... so we can make our own schedule." 'Freelance consultant' was as fair a name as any for what Teatime did, wasn't it?

Something in his tone warned Analemma not to ask what kind of 'freelance consultant'. She bit her lip, lapsing into an uncomfortable silence. Eventually, she spoke again. "So, have you guys been together long?"

It seemed to be the right thing to say; Nny relaxed visibly. "A while. Not all that long. It was kind of weird to start with. But we're both... I mean... we get each other more than either of us gets anyone else." Clearly he liked talking about Teatime.

"I think I can understand that. I mean, Parry and I understand each other pretty well. It's not quite the same, of course... we're not a couple-couple, he's my brother... but still, we look out for each other." She spat out the window again, then turned back to face Nny. "You and, um, Teatime take care of each other, I can tell."

Nny briefly touched his new pendant. "We do. Always." And the rest of the world can go fuck itself, he didn't say, but the meaning was clear.

"That's always nice to see. You're lucky to have found each other." Oddly, she realized she meant it. These guys were scary, but they clearly loved each other.

That set him off laughing. "Luckier than you know. It's the only good luck I've ever had."

Analemma looked at him searchingly. "Leopard and me... we need money." She raised a hand quickly. "I don't mean I'm asking you. I just... don't be surprised. If we need to, ah, get money."

"You're talking about stealing, aren't you?" Thieving didn't impress him, but he wondered from time to time if serial killing wasn't almost as morally objectionable.

She spit out the window again. "We do what we have to. We try not to hurt anyone."

"Why not?" Nny grinned maliciously.

She stared at him.

Teatime woke gradually. The sensation of motion confused him briefly, until he remembered they were on their see-some-more-of-the-country trip, and rather than his own bed in his own apartment, he'd fallen asleep on the mattress in the cargo space of their newly-acquired van, and Nny was driving. Cracking his good eye open, he noticed Leopard.

Oh yeah, the hitch-hikers. Why had he decided to do that, again? No matter. If he tired of them, they were easily disposed of.

"Did you nap well?" Leopard gave him a small, polite smile. He tried not to make it a tense smile. He'd heard his sister's conversation with Nny.

"I generally do." It was true; when Teatime slept, it was generally sweet, peaceful, and untroubled. He rarely dreamt, or at least rarely recalled any dreams.

"Good to know." Leopard shrugged. "So... are you guys planning on going anywhere specific, or just tooling around? Been on the road long?" He was eager to make harmless small talk to shake his vague unease.

"Oh, we just set out this morning." Teatime beamed. "I'd told Nny that I'd rather liked to see more of..." i this world /i "the world, since I don't generally get to see much when I'm working. So yesterday we bought this van and today we started driving. Well, Nny started driving. I don't drive."

Unusual, but Leopard didn't bother to comment on it. Some people didn't, after all. "Traveling together; that's nice. A sort of bonding thing." Like his sister, he could clearly tell that these two were quite definitely bonded.

"Bonding, yes." Another wide and beatific grin. "Not that we really i need /i extra bonding, but it's certainly nice. Nny and I are rather close. He's my very best friend."

Leopard couldn't help laughing a little at that. The wording was not what he expected. "Yes, we could, ah, tell that you guys were fond of each other."

"Yes, quite." Teatime yawned and stretched. "That woman is your sister, yes?" A sudden scowl. "I do hope she won't attempt to... flirt?... flirt with Nny. He's i mine /i , you see, and I wouldn't take it at all well."

"I don't think that'll be a problem." Leopard bit the inside of his cheek; he got the distinct impression that this was a subject he shouldn't joke about with his rather intimidating hosts.

"That i is /i good to know." Standing a little unsteadily in the moving vehicle, Teatime made his way to the front of the van, leaning on the back of the driver's seat. He touched the bat-bottle. -Nny? I'd rather like it if we went somewhere to eat soon. Not that Mc-Donnels place again. I should like to sit down and eat properly.-

Nny took a hand off the wheel to touch his own pendant. -Sure. I'll get off the highway and look for a place.- He got off at the next exit. -Let me know if you see any place that looks interesting.-

They eventually wound up at a Benihana. Waiting to be seated, Teatime watched the teppanyaki chefs and their rapidly moving knives with interest. "That looks like rather a lot of fun," he observed.

"It does, doesn't it?" Nny grinned at him. "All those knives, and that hot table grill thing."

"It smells good," commented Analemma, who'd gotten rather hungry while they looked for a restaurant.

Eventually they got their own table. Leopard and Analemma skimmed the least expensive section of the menu, but Teatime and Nny browsed with the reckless abandon of people who don't need to worry about money.

"Oh, look, Nny, they have lobster!" Teatime chirped.

Nny looked where Teatime was pointing. They did, indeed, have several dishes that included lobster tail. "Yeah. We should have lobster. I think I wanna get the steak and lobster tail, that sounds good."

"It does, doesn't it?" He gave Nny a warm smile. "And it is lobster, after all. I think I shall have lobster tail as well. But I'd like the twin lobster tails. Since lobster is an us-thing."

Analemma and Leopard shared a glance at that. It seemed like these two had expensive tastes. They were more cautious; Leopard selected the hibachi tuna steak, and Analemma decided on the hibachi chicken.

The teppanyaki chef seemed a bit nervous. Having Teatime and Nny stare at him (Teatime expectantly, Nny malevolently) while he tried to flip the food around on his knives and keep up his line of patter was unsettling. He very nearly cut himself several times, laughing anxiously.But when their food was ready, it was very good.

"I chose a good restaurant, didn't I?" Teatime looked smug as he took a bite of lobster and rice.

"Of course you did." Nny gave Teatime one of the fond smiles that was reserved for him alone. "You always do."

Privately, Analemma was a bit miffed that they'd chosen such an i expensive /i restaurant, but the food was as tasty as it was pricey. "The chicken is good too," she ventured.

"I'd rather like to try a bite," Teatime told her.

Blinking, Analemma gave him a bite. She didn't want to give them any reason to be cross with her, especially after Nny's offhand comment about hurting people.

Leopard picked up on Analemma's unease. They'd have to part company with these strangers soon. "Would you like to try my tuna as well?"

"Why, thank you Mister Leopard, I certainly would." Teatime accepted the tuna as his due, while Nny watched a bit sullenly. Teatime was i his /i to feed, after all. "Everything here seems to be very tasty. Isn't that nice?"

Before long they were on the road again, Analemma driving this time, while Teatime drowsed off the rather filling meal and Nny curled up watchfully beside him.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day at about 4 am they stopped in a Waffle House in Arizona. Teatime nibbled raisin toast, sipped chocolate milk, and curled up next to Nny. Nny looked down at his 'all the way' hash browns.

"The menu says they're smothered. They don't look like anyone I've ever smothered." He frowned slightly, taking a bite. At least they tasted good.

Teatime giggled. "They're not people. Of course they don't look the same. They're food." He opened his mouth expectantly for a bite, and Nny gigglingly provided him with one.

Leopard and Analemma glanced warily at each other at that exchange. Leopard cleared his throat. "Do the two of you mind if we do a little business?"

Nny raised an eyebrow, having gathered what sort of 'business' Leopard and Analemma were in. He didn't really care about it either way, though. He touched his pendant. -They mean robbing the place. Do you care?-

Teatime gave no outward sign of hearing him, but he touched his pendant as well. -Whyever should I care? It's not my restaurant.-

Nny shrugged. "Sure, I guess. If you want."

Analemma and Leopard nodded at each other, then sprang to their feet in unison, pulling handguns and holding them up. "I want everyone's attention!" Analemma snapped. "I don't want to hurt anyone, but I will if I have to. Everyone put your wallets on the table. You," she gestured at a waitress, "open the register."

Leopard went from table to table, dumping the cash from the register into a dufflebag, thumbing the cash from each wallet and tossing it in as well. Teatime and Nny watched in amusement. Neither of them thought much of thieves, but it was entertaining to see how frightened everyone was. One middle-aged man seated at the counter was flat out crying. As Nny watched, he wet himself.

"Oh, that's just revolting," Nny snarled, and pulled a scalpel out of his sleeve and flung it into the guy's eye.

That was when pandemonium broke out. Nny and Teatime were in their element, drawing bread knives from their boots, twirling and spinning, slicing and stabbing, both laughing wildly, eyes lighting up. Analemma and Leopard watched them in shock, shaking as the bodies of the staff and patrons began to litter the floor. Yes, definitely time to find a new ride.

Eventually, Nny, Teatime, and Analemma were the only things breathing in the Waffle House. Leopard was biting his lip, looking worried. Analemma's eyes were wide, rolling in their sockets.

"Okay, let's go," Nny said flippantly.

They dropped Analemma and Leopard off that afternoon. The brother and sister had gotten skittish, and just wanted to get somewhere safe and peaceful. Nny was glad to see them go. They were cramping his style. Watching them scurry off, he bent over and gave Teatime a long, wet kiss. "No more hitch-hikers, okay?"

"All right, Nny. I was merely curious as to how it worked." Now that his curiosity was satisfied, Teatime was utterly indifferent.

"Oh, that's okay. I just like it better when it's just us." He pulled away from the curb, looking around. "We were driving all night last night." Or, really, Analemma had been. "Let's find a hotel so we can get a shower and sleep in a real bed."

"A real bed does sound nice." He paused and thought briefly. "Can we go to one that has... what is it called again, room service?"

"Room service, yeah. And sure." Nny favored Teatime with a warm smile.

"Lovely." Another thoughtful pause. "I think I'd like some champagne."

"Champagne it is, then." Nny was tolerantly amused. Teatime had developed a taste for champagne, and indeed for getting slightly drunk, but didn't get too sloppily wasted, and was actually kind of sweet when mildly under the influence. Nny didn't mind, although he still wasn't very keen on getting drunk himself.

They drove for another two hours before stopping at a hotel. It was nice, with air conditioning blasting and a big, soft bed. They showered together, swaying and kissing under the patter of warm, clean water.

"It does seem to be a slight drawback," Teatime observed after the shower, toweling off.

"What drawback?" Nny asked. "Drawback of what?"

"Of being in the van and driving so much. There are no showers. Or other, ah, restroom facilities."

"True," Nny shrugged, collapsing on the big, soft bed. "This place is nice, though. Why don't you call room service and have them send up that champagne you wanted?"

With a pleased nod, he picked up the phone, ordering not only a bottle of champagne sent to their room, but also strawberry ice cream. While he was ordering, Nny sprawled happily on the bed.

"Feels so good not to be cramped. Hope it doesn't take too long to get that room service. I'm looking forward to doing not-cramped things with you."

"Why, I don't know whatever you could be referring to," Teatime said, his expression a perfect mimic of innocence.

"Oh, you don't?" Nny grinned, rolling onto his stomach and kicking his legs. "Maybe I'd better make you guess first. I wouldn't want to startle you."

Teatime was able to convince Nny to share the bottle of champagne. They both had a pleasant buzz going, and were snuggling in a tangled sprawl on the big hotel bed.

"You still haven't taken me to a snake farm," Teatime said accusingly, waving a finger.

"I will," Nny promised. "One with lots of snakes. With little hissy tongues."

"And fangs!" Teatime insisted. "There have to be fangs."

"I think all snakes have fangs," Nny pointed out.

"I'm not so sure. We didn't study snakes i per se /i , just the different sorts of venom they produced. Snake venom is very useful for poisoning darts and daggers and crossbow bolts and the like, you know." Teatime spoke with the air of one conferring a great secret.

"Actually I didn't know that," Nny mused. "We'll have to try it. We certainly have plenty of darts and daggers and crossbow bolts to poison."

"So we'll get our very own poisoning-snakes then?" Teatime smiled brightly at him.

"Snakes, yes. For us." He laughed. "Just not ones that are too big."

"All right, not too big." Teatime pursed his lips. "How big is too big?"

"I don't know. A couple of feet? We'll see what they have. What we can make them give us." Nny was pretty sure the snake farm wouldn't want to just hand venomous snakes over without a bit of convincing.

"Oh, I'm sure we can persuade them to give us whatever we'd like. "I can be very persuasive." Teatime demonstrated his best persuasive smile. It would have chilled the blood of anyone but Nny.

"You certainly can," Nny agreed, stroking Teatime's cheek.


	4. Chapter 4

They'd had room service bring them breakfast as well. Teatime had poached eggs and orange juice. Nny had a heaping stack of pancakes and coffee. They shared a plate of bacon, feeding each other the crunchy slices and laughing.

"We should go somewhere with a roller coaster," Teatime said firmly. "I like roller coasters. And you do too,. Anyway, it's kind of nice to be around people screaming without having to make them scream."

That made Nny laugh. "That's not why I like roller coasters. I like the way the air feels, moving so fast. It's almost like flying." He sounded a bit wistful at the thought of flying, and Teatime made a mental note to take him flying again soon.

"A little like flying," Teatime agreed. "Only without having to steer. I like not having to steer."

That earned him a nod from Nny. "And we can get cotton candy. And hot dogs. Or even corn dogs." From the glint in Nny's eye it was clear that he intended to eat a corn dog in a salacious fashion at Teatime at the nearest opportunity.

From the quirk of Teatime's grin it was clear he had an idea of Nny's corn dog scheme, even if he wasn't entirely certain what a corn dog was. "It's settled, then. We'll find a roller coaster."

As it happened, they had to drive for about two hours before reaching an amusement park, but it was a nice one, large enough to have plenty of rides, but small enough not to be a major attraction. They rode a Ferris wheel, and a roller coaster (where Teatime did, indeed, take a smug pleasure at the terrified shrieks around them while he and Nny laughed in wild glee at the motion-wind ruffling their hair). Nny did indeed acquire a corn dog, which he ate in an exaggerated mimicry of fellatio while Teatime rolled his eyes and secretly relished the spectacle. There was cotton candy, which they shared in a rustle of thready pink floss. Teatime won a t-shirt with a would-be 'amusing' slogan at a ring toss booth, which he immediately gave to Nny. Just before they left, they went on a last ride, a variant of the tilt-a-whirl in a darkened tent festooned with fixtures covered in glow-in-the-dark paint. They spend the entire time on the ride kissing.

It was on the way out of the park that it happened. It was late in the evening, but not near enough closing time for there to be a mass exodus. They were on the way through the parking lot back to the Gator when a hoarse voice cat-called them.

"Hey, faggots!"

They'd turned as one to see a scowling man with the build of a football player. They didn't even need to discuss their reaction; Nny pulled a lawn dart from his pocket and threw it forcefully, striking the man in the shoulder. While he shrieked, Teatime leaped over to him and struck him on the head. As he sagged weakly, they dragged him to the Gator, pulling him into the cargo area without anyone noticing. Nny carefully locked the doors as Teatime swiftly clamped the shackles and manacles about their erstwhile tormentor's ankles and wrists, and Nny drove them away, off to somewhere less populated.

Nny laughed darkly as he pulled the van into an empty parking lot behind an abandoned gas station.

By the time the van had stopped, their half-stunned prisoner was fully concious again, and had begun to thrash, stir, and shout. "What the hell kind of game are you damn queers playing? Let me up right now or I'll kill you!"

"Now, now. That's not very polite, is it?" Teatime arranged his features into a semblance of offended distress. "Shall we begin again? My name's Teatime. What's yours?"

The shackled man merely spat at Teatime, who dodged neatly. Nny, stepping into the cargo area, frowned at that, and kicked the man in the head. Teatime grinned up at him before duct-taping their victim's mouth shut. Nny pulled out something he'd been keeping as a surprise for Teatime: a bag from the restaurant supply store the favored, holding a blow-torch meant for use on crème brulee and the like.

That was not the use to which this one would be put.

Nny's eyes narrowed as he lit the blow-torch and slowly ran it diagonally across their captive's chest. The cheap nylon of his shirt scorched and melted, bubbling into his skin. Behind the duct tape, he moaned.

"Oh, wonderful!" Teatime applauded. "You will let me try? It looks like ever so much fun."

With a tolerant smile, Nny ceded the blow-torch to him. He was unsurprised when Teatime went right for the man's eyes, hearing the hiss and sizzle as they boiled in their sockets. "I think I should like the nail-gun next," Teatime said decisively.

"Nail-gun, yes," Nny breathed, fetching it from the tool kit and handing it over. "Have at it."

Whistling, Teatime laid a path of nails along the seared and blistering trail Nny had left with the blowtorch. "This is such fun," he chirped merrily. "It makes such a satisfying noise."

"It does, doesn't it?" Nny agreed, grabbing a wire cutter and starting the task of relieving the fellow of his fingers.

A nod. He went on to shoot in another string of nails, crossing the guy's chest in a metallic X, as Nny went on to remove his toes.

"Oh. Oh dear." Teatime's voice fell in disappointment.

"Hmm?" Nny glanced up at him.

"We've used him up already." Indeed, their 'guest' had stopped breathing.

"Oh." Pouting briefly, Nny unlocked the cuffs from the dead ankles and wrists, and shoved the corpse off to one side, sliding off the mattress. "Come here. It's okay." He took Teatime in his arms, and they lay back on the bloodstained mattress, caressing each other idly.


	5. Chapter 5

The motel had been rather scruffy, but at least it had given them a place to take a much-needed shower. Teatime had slept well and easily, but then, he almost always did. Nny had found even his usual intermittent dozing elusive, but Teatime's sleeping presence was comforting, and he'd rested his head on his chest and listened to the soft rasp of his breathing.

A mattress. They needed a new mattress for the back of the Gator. Rolling onto his stomach, Nny grabbed a phone book and started leafing through it in search of stores. There was a mall not far away. Surely they could find one there. When Teatime woke up, they'd go.

As it turned out, Teatime woke too early for them to go straight to the mall. So they went to a diner for breakfast. Teatime was miffed at the lack of raisin toast, but a bowl of oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar cheered him up. Nny pouted sullenly at a bagel he considered substandard.

"I'm not sure I've been to a mall," Teatime mused, sipping his chocolate milk.

"Yes you have," Nny told him. "Remember Christmas? We went to a few of them. You had so much fun killing all those Santa Clauses. Santa Clausii? Santas, anyway. Mall Santas."

"Oh, yes!" Teatime agreed merrily. "You mean the places with the Hogfather grottoes! Will we be able to play in another one?"

"Wrong time of year," Nny said with a faintly amused grin. "But when it's Christmas time, we'll go to at least one mall so we can take out at least one mall Santa. It i was /i a lot of fun. Everyone looked so scared."

"Oh, yes! They did shriek so." He smiled wistfully at the memory.

"And it made you so happy," Nny said fondly. "But anyway, finish your oatmeal. We have a non-Santa-related mall trip to make. The Gator's not as much fun without a place to, um... well, for you to nap in. And for us to do other stuff."

It didn't take long for them to finish their breakfast, and by then the mall was open. Nny would have gone straight for the JC Penney so they could get a mattress and leave, but Teatime insisted on exploring.

"I don't really know what a mall... a proper mall... is quite i like /i , you see, Nny. And I do like finding new things out."

So mall exploring it was. Nny wrapped an arm around Teatime's waist and scowled at everyone they passed, while Teatime grinned delightedly. Passers-by shrunk away from them, although whether it was from Nny's scowl or Teatime's smile it was impossible to say.

Teatime pointed at a brightly colored store. "There, I want to look there!"

Nny looked where he was pointing and groaned. "Teatime. That's a Sanrio. That is not a guy thing, Teatime."

But Teatime insisted. Nny sulked as they strode into the sea of pink. Teatime wound up buying a pencil case with what seemed to be a little black penguin on it, and a spiral-swirled lollipop, which he licked happily as they went back out into the mall.

Just as Nny was about to insist they go to the JC Penney i right then /i , he spotted a Hot Topic and laughed. "Okay. We need... well, I need a laugh after that pastel hell." He lead Teatime in and glanced around superciliously.

"Oh my, Nny," Teatime giggled. "Everyone here does seem awfully silly, don't they?"

In fact, they did. The girl behind the counter has uneven orangey bangs and a plethora of badly healing piercings. She pouted indifferently at Teatime's remark, but she'd heard worse from frat boys and such and couldn't be bothered to get into an argument. Besides, they might buy something.

Browsing half-heartedly, Teatime let out a little squeak of delight. At Nny's puzzled glance, he held up the t-shirt he'd found.

It read 'Assassins Do It From Behind'. Nny burst out laughing. "Oh, you have to get it. I want you to wear it."

Not only did Teatime get it, but he changed into it right away. For his part, Nny bought a bottle of dark blue hair dye and a rubber bracelet made to look like barbed wire. Sure, the store was tacky, but that was no reason not to get something he wanted.

After that, they i did /i go to JC Penney. The store seemed utterly labyrinthine, and it took them what seemed like hours to find the mattress display. When they did, they saw a young (maybe six year old) boy jumping on one mattress and shrieking intermittently.

"Oh, that looks like fun!" Teatime piped up, and before Nny could say a word, he scampered up and began leaping up and down beside the suddenly startled youngster. The kid's mother took one look at Teatime and yanked her kid's arm, hauling him away.

An irritated-looking salesman approached. "Can I i help /i you?"

"Why, yes. Yes you can!" Teatime said happily. "My very best friend Nny and I would like to buy a mattress. Can you tell us which one is the best?"

In the end they wound up with not only a very pricey full size mattress, but a box spring and a set of dark red sheets as well.

They'd gone to the liquor store intending to get more champagne, but then Teatime had discovered the display of sweet liqueurs. After a few questions, he had insisted in buying small bottles of whatever struck his fancy: Tuaca, Aftershock, Irish cream, Frangelico, amaretto, Chambord, anisette, blackberry brandy, crème de cacao, crème de menthe, Grand Marnier, Midori, Goldschlager, and peach, peppermint, cinnamon, cranapple and root beer flavored schnapps. Right now he was lying on his belly in the mattress in the van's cargo area thoughtfully sipping Kahlua while Nny drove.

"This is quite tasty, actually, Nny," he called, sounding just a trifle tipsy.

"Glad you like it," Nny said dryly. "But we should get you some water to drink too, or you are going to be miserable in the morning. We don't have a house elf to bring us hangover-curing potions here."

"I suppose you're right," Teatime sighed, capping the bottle and stretching out on his back.

Spotting a Waffle House not far up the road, Nny headed for it. "And you can have raisin toast and chocolate milk!"

Teatime cheered and waved his bottle of Kahlua. Nny hoped he wouldn't think of mixing that with the chocolate milk. "I do like raisin toast," he said in a tone of agreement.

Nodding, Nny pulled into the parking lot. When he got out, he was surprised to see two grubby children standing next to the van, with a small, loudly barking dog on a leash.

"Mister? Mister, can we tie our dog to your bumper so we can go inside and have some lemonade?"

Before Nny could answer, he heard Teatime laugh. "Well, I don't see why not. Nny, do you see any reason why not?"

Shrugging, Nny wrapped his arm around Teatime's waist and they went into the Waffle House.

After a lazy lunch of raisin toast and chocolate milk for Teatime, and a hamburger and lemonade for Nny, they wandered back to the Gator and headed back out.

After about an hour, Nny frowned a little, feeling as if he'd forgotten something. He heard a faint scraping noise. "I think I should pull over. I should see if the bumper is dragging or something."

Pulling to the side of the road, Nny slid out of his door and walked to the back of the Savana, lips pursed thoughtfully. From the opening and closing of the passenger side door, he could hear that Teatime had come out too.

Teatime reached the rear of the van before Nny did, Teatime burst out in peals of delighted laughter. When Nny caught up, he saw Teatime pointing at the ground and grinning.

At his feet, hanging from the bumper by a threadbare leash, was a bloodstained dog collar.

"Oops!" Nny chuckled.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day saw Nny and Teatime headed up through Texas. Nny was smiling; he'd made a promise to Teatime, and now he was going to keep it. But first he had to stop for gas, and he didn't like San Antonio much.

"It's hot, Nny," Teatime complained as they leaned against the van in the parking lot of a Long John Silver's. "Can we go someplace cooler?"

"We can and we will," Nny told him. "We'll go to Maine and have lobsters. But first we're going to go to the snake farm in New Braunfels."

Teatime's eyes lit up at the mention of a snake farm. "What's a New Braunfels?" he asked.

"It's just the name of the town, Teatime," Nny said with good-natured exasperation. "Get back in the van."

The snake farm itself turned out to be right off the highway, a long, low-slung whitewashed building. After paying a nominal fee, they wandered through the narrow rooms, eyeing the constrictors and vipers in their plastic cages. Teatime squealed in delight when he say a cage of coral snakes, living images of the matching tattoos on Nny and Teatime's wrists. Nny was looking at an albino cobra, which had reared up irritably and was flaring its hood, so Teatime called him over.

"Nny, look! It's the snakes from our wrists!"

Briefly confused, Nny wandered over to see what Teatime was talking about. "Oh, yeah." He admired the small serpents. "I didn't realize coral snakes were so small, but the colors are really pretty."

"Those are pretty too," Teatime said, pointing to another cage.

"B**lack-speckled** palm-pitviper," Nny read, looking at the sign. "Yeah, those are neat looking."

They were a little surprised to find out how much the place had besides snakes. The lizards weren't that much of a stretch, but there were bats too. And there were enclosures out behind the main building with monkeys and ostriches. But what really made them gasp in delight were the alligators.

"That's what we named the van after," Nny pointed out.

"I know what alligators are, Nny," Teatime chided.

"Well, they're still cool," Nny groused. Then he caught sight of the rattlesnake pit. "Oh. My. God," he said delightedly. "All those rattlesnakes," he whispered in awe. The pit was sunk in, at least 15 feet below the floor, and at the bottom dozens of rattlesnakes twisted and writhed. Some of them rattled their tails.

"Now, those I hadn't seen before," Teatime remarked, looking into the pit. "They're quite interesting, aren't they? I should like to find out more about them."

Finally they decided it was time to get some snakes of their own. There actually was a little store attached, and they sold a few kinds of snakes... mostly corn snakes and ball pythons, but not what Teatime and Nny wanted. They tracked down the clerk.

"My husband and I would like some snakes," Teatime explained. "We'd like two coral snakes, a cobra, a black-speckled palm pitviper, and half a dozen rattlesnakes."

"Oh, we don't sell i those /i ," said the vaguely bug-eyed woman, looking scandalized. "They're dangerous, and not safe to keep unless you're experienced."

"We don't care what you think," Nny growled, pulling out a knife. "We want you to sell us those snakes."

"I'm afraid I must agree," Teatime said mournfully. "We really must have them, you see. I insist."

The woman eyed them, and seemed, after a moment, to regard them rather as she did the venomous specimens they were demanding. "Allll right," she said slowly, and cautiously picked out the snakes they'd demanded. She seemed more than a little shocked when Nny forced five hundred dollars into her hand, and refrained from commenting that the creatures they were carting off would cost quite a bit more than that if she was really allowed to sell them. She hoped the snakes would bite them.

After stowing the snakes in their plastic cages in the cargo area of the van, Nny drove them off, heading north. It was still fairly early in the day, but it was already hot, and Nny cranked up the air conditioner.

"I'm glad we got the snakes we wanted," Teatime said. He was sitting up front with Nny but kept shooting glances back at the curtains; he was curious about their new 'pets'.

"I knew you'd make sure we did," Nny told him, as if he hadn't been just as 'persuasive'.

Teatime looked out the window, trying to spot license plates from as many states as he could. "Alaska," he commented. "Where's that? I don't think I've seen a plate from there before."

"That's far away," Nny said. "Like, really far away. Check that atlas we got, it will show you how far away."

Following his advice, Teatime paged through the atlas. "Hey, it's not even connected," he noticed. "How can it be the same country if it's not connected?"

"I don't know," Nny told him. "I don't know the reasoning behind it. It was before I was born."

They drove on in a companionable quiet for a while, and Teatime started to feel a bit hungry; they hadn't eaten before their little attack on the snake farm. "Let's get something to eat," he said in a firm voice.

Shrugging, Nny got off the highway. They'd reached Austin by then; a good distance. He drove around somewhat aimlessly, and then Nny noticed a statue by the side of the road. "Hey," he remarked. "We can't stop here. This is bat country!"

Teatime snickered. "I don't care about bats," he said. "I just want something to eat."

They stopped a little way up the road at a dinerish place with a vaguely hippie feel. There was another statue here – what looked vaguely like a pterodactyl in sneakers, adorned with twinkling Christmas lights. Teatime stared at it.

"Nny, why is there a dragon on the ceiling?"

Nny looked up to see what he was talking about. "I don't know," he admitted. "Decoration, I guess. It's pretty strange."

Strange or not, the food was okay. Nny ate his migas without complaint while Teatime demolished his french toast. "This trip is going pretty well, isn't it?" he said abruptly.

"Of course it is," Teatime answered happily. "I knew we'd have fun. And we're together, aren't we? So of course it's going well."


End file.
